Sorry, I’m not up to date on the details of Star Wars outside the movies, but was R2-D2, like, Leia’s droid between the Prequels and the Original Trilogy? Whatever the case, I think I might need it to happen in a crack fic.
Because I’ve suddenly imagined R2-D2 accompanying Leia to her Senate meetings. In reality, it would probably be very dangerous for R2 and Leia. But I think it would be perfect for a crack fic.
Like, just imagine if Leia and R2 are just strolling around the halls of the Senate, with Leia ranting to R2 about something or other. And then bump into an older Senator by accident. And at first it’s all pleasantries and apologies, but then the older Senator takes one look at R2, turns a color that is not a good color for their people to turn, and then says in utter horror, “IT’S YOU!”
Because surely there must be older Senators out there from before the Empire, who remember that horrible little nightmare droid who tailed those awful Jedi around and occasionally Senator Amidala. (Like, there must be people out there who witnessed R2 blow up a building or even straight-up kill someone.)
And Leia’s like, “What? You know my droid?”
And the Senator’s got a hand over their heart, both to soothe themselves and a little protectively, and says, “My dear, I couldn’t forget that thing if I was dead. That’s the little bastard who set me on fire! Granted, it was an accident and it saved Senator Amidala’s life again, but still. She was far too fond of it! That and that debonair Jedi it belonged to!”
And Leia lights up immediately because oho, this is interesting. Meanwhile R2 is basically swearing up a storm trying to push her away. And the Senator has an expression on their face like, “Oh, damn, I shouldn’t have said that.”
Anyway, Leia accidentally figures out who her parents were because R2 is a memorable asshole that old politicians still see in their nightmares.
I want either that crack fic or an even crackier fic that goes like this:
Darth Vader: *walking down a hall in the Senate building, annoyed af that the Emperor is making him be here to intimidate people for some vote or another, scrolling clickbait quizzes or ship commercials on his datapad*
The sound of something clattering comes from ahead. Darth Vader looks up and sees a droid getting kicked out of a conference room, beeping explicitly and indignantly over just being lost, at the far end of the hall. The droid looks down the hall at Darth Vader. It’s unmistakably R2-D2.
Darth Vader: “…”
R2-D2: “…”
R2: *backs up one inch*
Vader: *takes one step forward*
R2: *SCREAMS*
R2-D2 whirls around immediately and flees around the corner. Vader is too surprised to immediately stop his old droid, but drops the datapad and books it after him (as much as DV can book it). What proceeds is probably a Star Wars version of the Benny Hill chase between R2-D2 and Darth Vader.
It ends in R2, covered in soot and scratches, barely managing to get away after causing enormous amounts of mayhem and property damage.
Leia: “There you are! Artoo, where have you been?”
I feel like you could take this exchange between Quark and Odo out of context and type it up in a word document and format it just right and it would fit right in with any gay yearning quote compilation post on this website
The best thing about Star Trek is that there are two possibilities:
1. All of Starfleet is like this. Every ship keeps getting stuck in negative space wedgies where they become their own parents and accidentally marry JFK while learning a lesson about what it means to be human, every week
2. Only the ships/stations we see are like this. Most ships spend their time ferrying diplomats around, delivering supplies, and charting nebulae. The diplomats never have a dark secret that endangers the ship. The supplies get there in time, and they never have to play a deadly game with a sufficiently advanced alien to survive, and the nebulae? Beautiful, but they’re just a bunch of ionized hydrogen and assorted space dust. They never conceal a romulan battle fleet ready to invade Thrackus VII that’s only uncovered because a teenager accidentally beats them all at space checkers.
These are the only two possibilities. And they are both hilarious.
Either there’s an entire interstellar organization that’s constantly tripping into weird science shit and plots against the universe and alien worlds where everyone has to eat their shoes or they are put to death…
Or there are like 8 ships out there which are just SO WEIRD and the rest of the organization is like “oh God not them again. We sent them to go stop an asteroid and they got their whole ship duplicated, one of the crew murdered their other self, they blew up their ship to stop aliens from turning them into spiders, then went back in time to stop space Nazis from killing Alexander Graham Bell and preventing the invention of the communicator. Next time, just send the USS Hatshepsut. The last weird thing that happened to them is that once they left Starbase 17 only to discover a week later that they’d gotten 20,000 boxes of self-sealing stembolts instead of oscillation overthrusters by mistake, so they had to stop by Deep Space 4 and get some extra supplies.”
Like I said, both of these possibilities are hilarious.
I keep thinking back to that Voyager episode where Janeway doubts that Kirk really met Da Vinci.
The same Janeway who had previously run into Amelia Earhart on the other side of the galaxy.
