I know this is going to make me sound pretensions but I have to get it off my chest. I feel an unimaginable rage when someone posts a photo and is like “this picture looks like a renaissance painting lol” when the photo clearly has the lighting, colors and composition of a baroque or romantic painting. There are differences in these styles and those differences are important and labeling every “classical” looking painting as renaissance is annoying and upsetting to me. And anytime I come across one of those posts I have to put down my phone and go take a walk because they make me so mad
In case you’re curious here’s what I mean.
Renaissance(distinct lines, stability and the individual man):
Baroque (bold, chaotic, dramatic):
Romantic(romanticize the simple hard working life):
i am afraid of people who reblog things with no tags. not even any identifiers like the show it’s from or anything. just silence. what are you thinking?? hello??
Being sensitive to changes in barometric pressure is crazy what do you mean my problem is that the wind changed direction. What do you mean it’s the fuckin clouds
Here’s the thing about JUPITER ASCENDING, literally the greatest movie ever made. Is it “good,” or is it, more probably, garbage? I really don’t have the capacity to say. I’m not Saint Roger Ebert, olav hasholem, over here. I took one film class and it was about whether real stuff is, like, real, or is there even such a thing as, like, really real, man, you know?? (There isn’t. I got an A.) I’m not here to tell you if it is good. I am only a woman with eyes and ears and joy centers in my brain. Here is what I will tell you. Look at my icon. As daeontherun so rightly pointed out, my icon was both of our faces for the ENTIRE DURATION of this movie.
Do you need to know any more than that? Do you need to know any more than that you will be flooded with pure, innocent delight for two hours? Here is my feeling about this movie: it is your garbage. It is garbage for you. “Is this how straight dudes feel at the movies all the time????” I hissed at daeontherun SEVERAL times during this movie. “Like someone carefully noted down your early pubescent fantasies and then threw 100 MILLION DOLLARS at them?“
I would describe this feeling as, like, a combination of arousal, joy, and fond knowing chagrin. “Oh you,” you find yourself thinking at Jupiter Ascending as shirtless Channing Tatum gruffly but torturedly checks his weaponry, while Sean Bean voiceover rumbles in his beautiful Northern growl about how tortured and loyal shirtless Channing Tatum is and how he needs his PACK. Ten seconds before this, Channing Tatum and Sean Bean were sexily punching each other while yelling about their emotions. “You know what I like, you crazy beautiful bastard,” you say to Jupiter Ascending, shaking your head fondly. Mila Kunis wakes up in a beautiful dress, blinking slowly with her long gorgeous lashes. “Feel my skin,” naked Tuppence Middleton purrs at her [REDACTED 4 SPOILERS]’s clone, Mila Kunis, gently caressing her bare arm. Gugu Mbatha-Raw stands over Channing Tatum and sexily taunts him. There is a 20 minute Terry-Gilliam-evoking sequence about [REDACTED 4 SPOILERS BUT TRUST ME THAT IT’S AMAZING]. Eddie Redmayne flutters an elegant hand around while hoarsely gasping out sociopathic, vaguely incestuous promises in a fucking SEQUIN TITS OUT DRESSING GOWN with ARM WINGS in his EVIL SPACE CATHEDRAL THRONE ROOM!!!! “DO U LIKE DIS?“ Jupiter Ascending asks, glancing shyly at you. “I MAKED IT.” “Of course I like it,” you say, overcome by joy and wonder, kissing Jupiter Ascending on the forehead. “I’ve never liked anything this much, and I love you more than anyone in the whole world.” I don’t want to be controversial, but if I had to choose between Jupiter Ascending and Citizen Kane I would immediately travel back in time, murder Orson Welles, and walk away whistling. I would cheerfully burn the entire Criterion Collection to the ground for this movie. Go see Jupiter Ascending. You’re welcome.
i made this post ten years ago and i stand by most of it except for the part about burning the entire criterion collection to the ground. that was wrong. what i should have said was put jupiter ascending IN the criterion collection.
ALT
