Dracula voice: I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for my lawyer, his wife, his wife’s girlfriend, his wife’s girlfriend’s fiancé and their extra boyfriends the Cowboy and the doctor and the doctor’s thesis advisor who knows how to kill vampires for some reason!
They’ve been rebuilding the Tower of Babel, but this time they have a team of linguists on site. Every time God smites the builders and invents a dozen new languages, the linguists have a dozen decently sized translations in about a month and work can start up again.
The linguists have been really into it. They say the new phonemes are fascinating. As for God, I assume that at this point he’s just curious to see how far this goes.
killing myself in a tesla and just leaving it on autopilot so my corpse is in there jostling around while it crashes into things
It would almost be funnier if the AI was like in sci-fi and was functional enough to drive like a menacing asshole without actually hitting anything and periodically recharge itself.
Local shitty driver buys a Tesla
Programs the AI with his schedule
AI learns from his aggressive driving habits
One Friday Rush Hour he road rages so hard he has a heart attack and dies at the wheel
Car drives home unknowing
Next monday it leaves for work like nothing happened
Someone eventually notices but dead guy has been in the car for a few days so no one really wants to be the guy to take him out
Every day at precisely 7:55 AM the car leaves the garage, drives itself to this dude’s office, and drives home 8 hours later still parading his decomposing body around the city while it swerves, cuts people off, honks, zooms through yellow lights, and stops just short of innocent pedestrians while honking rudely
Eventually the company gives his assigned parking spot to someone else so the car just starts parking somewhere else or roaming the city aimlessly. This is the only thing anyone actually does about it.
This goes on for months until there is nothing but a skeleton in moldering clothes haunting the freeways as it mindlessly commutes to and from work every monday thru friday
Legends spread of the Ghost Rider of I-45. Some genius superglues a Starbucks cup to the roof of the car so people are more likely to approach it while it’s parked.
The anti-theft devices prevent anyone from removing the skeleton. Muskrat refuses to remotely disable them because he’s an asshole and thinks his car continuing to commute months after its owner’s death is a great publicity stunt.
The Ghost Rider’s reign of terror finally ends after 2 years when the car’s degraded tires blow out at 85 mph, causing it to swerve into the front of a semi and carry the restless spirit of the nameless office worker to Valhalla in a pyre of toxic lithium battery smoke
But the legend lives on
They say that every evening M-F around 6:30 PM, if you watch closely beside the off-ramp of Exit 76A, you can see the afterimage of a red sedan fly past at well over the speed limit, the ghostly skeletal figure of its passenger, too much of a dick for heaven but not cool enough for hell, still raising its bony middle finger at other motorists. Leaving no trace of its existence except a faint smell of burning batteries and plastic.
In the 1960s sci-fi writers were already like “what if your self driving car locked you inside and you couldn’t get out of if there’s a problem. Would that be Fucked Up Or What. Don’t create the torment nexus” and then Elon Musk was like “look at my exciting new self driving car that you can’t get out of if there’s a problem. I call it the Torment Nexus”
man just when i think “maybe it’s not that funny” i remember that we’ve all silently agreed that Matteo JWHJ0715 is just. a normal name. yeah he’s the director what about it. his mother was italian and his father was a license plate
[id: brown and white tabby cat standing on a wood floor. The light is hitting them in a way that it looks like windows along the torso, similar to the Cat Bus from Totoro /end id]
