I see a lot of posts about people feeling embarrassed, like, about everything, all the time, being embarrassed is I guess a huge part of some people’s lives. well listen
my girlfriend left her shoes in the middle of the living room floor, so I hid them in the oven drawer. because I thought it was a drawer that you could like–store things in?? I don’t know, I somehow made it to this point in my life without knowing that the fire happens in there. then I forgot I’d done it, and like, two days went by.
so the next time we went to make dinner, the shoes caught on fire.
then the oven caught on fire
then our whole house was full of black smoke
then the NYC firefighters had to come out to our apartment. there were like six of them.
half the people in our building came out of their apartments to find out what was going on, and if they were going to die or if they needed to evacuate their cats or something
and then an actual, New-York’s-finest firefighter looked me wearily in the eyes and said “try not to keep shoes in your oven” as he left.
and now we need a new oven.
and I would say that I felt…mild embarrassment? I experienced a patina of chagrin. “whoops,” I thought to myself, as the firefighters tromped off and the firetruck drove off into the night. “I should probably have known that about oven drawers.” then I bought my girlfriend a new pair of shoes, since I’d burned her old shoes. then we ordered a pizza.
if I can not feel embarrassed about that, I hope you guys can take heart.
Serious question: What is an oven drawer?
I mean come on, it just looks like a drawer, right
Isn’t that where the pots and pans go?
I definitely remember pots and pans getting stored in the drawer of the oven we had when I was growing up. so I figured, okay, that’s a drawer for putting stuff in. key detail I guess: pots and pans are fireproof
unlike shoes
GUYS
THAT’S THE FUCKING BROILER
OH MY GOD
Not always the broiler actually. Sometimes it is just a drawer. My aunt keeps snack foods in there (Oreos, Cheetos, the shit she doesn’t want people to know she eats) and her oven has never caught on fire.
So this is handy information for me to start inspecting the oven of every place I ever move into from now until eternity.
fair enough but i feel like if shoes go in and fire comes out it’s probably the broiler
Oh thank god it’s sometimes a drawer. I thought I had a broiler for years and never used it.
So there’s a compartment that SOMETIMES is extra storage and SOMETIMES is full of fire?
i hate when people draws mermaid’s tail like it was some sort of goddamn suit on normal human legs like this:
it just doesnt work
yeah we wouldnt want to make our mermaids too unrealistic
this asks more questions than it answers. they don’t really have vestigial legs, like those aren’t even motile fins, so why do they still have fully formed hips, why hasn’t the pelvic bone changed significantly? and where did the tail come from?
whales as we know them evolved from land animals that went back out to sea, and it’s all spine all the way down to the tail fin. the pelvis is vestigial to the point of being tiny and unrecognizable, and the rear leg structure is //gone//. and by the time they evolved all that, their forelegs had turned into proper fins and they didn’t have hourglass figures, because they built up walls of insulating fat and blubber where it was needed most – around the vital organs.
which brings us to the walrus. as you can see the skeletal structure and the external appearance are fairly ursiform – the rear legs are basically still in there forming the tail, and the pelvis is intact, and above that it may as well still be a land animal. if mermaids did exist, as hominids who went back out to sea, and if they hadn’t evolved into basically dolphins, then a walrus skeletal system, complete with vestigial thigh bones inside a kind of muscle skirt, and with significant fat and blubber deposits //on the main body// would be most likely. which is to say, mermaids with human torsos and seagoing lower bodies would waddle around on their tails, have clearly defined thigh structures, and would be a hell of a lot rounder above and about the waist than they’re usually depicted.
which begs the question, then, if you see a mermaid and it’s a skinny little thing with a slinky waist and an eel-like tail and a perfect bosom and a coy smile, //why does it look like that//? because whatever that is? it is not a land animal that readapted to the sea. it is not your distant kin. it is a sea creature that adapted //to get your attention//.
maybe it’s all an illusion, a frilly mane, an hourglass shape, and narrow antennae that mimic the shape of human arms, waving lonely sailors into the water, only to realize too late the bioluminescent patterns of lipstick and pert breasts are to distract from what lies behind them – viselike jaws and row after row of stiletto teeth.
or maybe it’s all soft tissue, the gelatinous bell of a jellyfish folded into a pleasing shape, luring the unwary down to be caught up in a tail that is nothing more than thousands of barbed lines of stinging neurotoxin cells.
or it could be that the tail goes deep into a shadowy well, and the beautiful woman is a mask for a single enormous jaw, the internal skeleton just the endless spine and ribs of a vast and hungry sea snake.
or, perhaps most terrifyingly, the face is real but not the face of the eyes looking out of it – a human mask for an intelligence both cold and calculating, wearing an inviting smile to bring you within reach of the dagger behind it’s back. waiting to slice the skin off of you because it needs a new disguise, because it is shaped like you but does not look like you, because it must pass as you so it can go among you, so that by starlight it may go on land and into town, where your kin are sleeping, unsuspecting.
Jesus Christ back up a minute buddy
I am 100% on board with eldritch horror mermaids.
Can I set up something to just reblog this every time I see it? Like automatically? Because this is perfect and I love this.
Don’t pander to me, kid. One tiny crack in the hull and our blood boils
in thirteen seconds. Solar flare might crop up, cook us in our seats.
And wait till you’re sitting pretty with a case of Andorian shingles, see
if you’re still so relaxed when your eyeballs are bleeding. Space is
disease and danger wrapped in darkness and silence.
