Ok so I was looking for historical slang terms for penis (gotta be era-accurate when writing vintage dick jokes) and I came across….something


some linguist compiled a literal timeline of genitalia slang–a cock compendium, if you will–that dates back all the way to the fucking 13th CENTURY. This motherfucker tracked the evolution of erection etymology through 800+ years, because if he doesn’t do it, who else will? Thank you for your service, Johnathon Green.

Some of my favorites include:

  • Shaft of Delight (1700s)
  • Womb Sweeper (1980s)
  • Master John Goodfellow (1890s)
  • Nimble-Wimble (1650s)
  • Corporal Love (1930s)
  • Staff of Life (1880s)
  • Spindle (1530s)
  • As good as ever twanged (1670s)
  • Gaying Instrument (1810s)
  • Beef Torpedo (1980s)

and last but not least, the first recorded use of the word Schlong, which was in 1865 CE. Tag yourself, I’m Nimble Wimble 

And are the lovely ladies feeling left out? not to worry! Johnathon’s got you covered, gals, because he also made one for vaginas. Highlights:

  • Mrs. Fubb’s Parlor (1820s)
  • Poontang (1950s)
  • Spunk Box (1720s)
  • Ringerangroo (1930s)
  • Ineffable (1890s)
  • Itching Jenny (1890s)
  • Carnal Mantrap (1890s – a busy decade apparently)
  • Bookbinder’s Wife (1760s)
  • Rough Malkin (1530s)
  • Socket (1460s)

and a personal favorite, crinkum-crankum, circa approximately 1670.


this alone has justified the internet