“The part that matters is the choice she makes when she’s finally totally alone, with no back up, no one to help her or tell her what her best course of action is, and she’s presented with a choice that is at best morally grey.”
I guess spoilers below if you have not seen it, but DO spoilers for this film ACTUALLY matter? It is a thing crafted from joy.
SO RIGHT, Jupiter says on the Aegis ship that she’d like some regular clothes to change into on her own and while she is conscious or not naked or whatever and looks at Caine clearly referencing how he had to have dressed her after the whole business with the grey aliens in the clinc AND RIGHT there has to be a scene where Jupiter discusses the “You dressed me? When I was only wearing the draughty hospital couture with nothing on underneath?” I MEAN SURE the options are that Jupiter remains wearing only the backless clinic number OR Caine dresses her in her own clothes so she’s not half naked BUT I want to see that discussion between them.
OR READ IT IN FIC.
I’m just saying.
5. Accepting That the Wachowskis’ Breezy Vision Is What the Movies Are All About: Jupiter Ascending is Saturday morning cartoons, Jupiter Ascending is flipping the pages of your favorite comic book, Jupiter Ascending is midnight conversations on time travel logic, Jupiter Ascending is joy. Just because it cost hundreds of millions of dollars doesn’t mean it’s for anyone but you. It’s going to be okay.
Here’s the thing about JUPITER ASCENDING, literally the greatest movie ever made. Is it “good,” or is it, more probably, garbage? I really don’t have the capacity to say. I’m not Saint Roger Ebert, olav hasholem, over here. I took one film class and it was about whether real stuff is, like, real, or is there even such a thing as, like, really real, man, you know?? (There isn’t. I got an A.) I’m not here to tell you if it is good. I am only a woman with eyes and ears and joy centers in my brain. Here is what I will tell you. Look at my icon. As daeontherun so rightly pointed out, my icon was both of our faces for the ENTIRE DURATION of this movie.
Do you need to know any more than that? Do you need to know any more than that you will be flooded with pure, innocent delight for two hours? Here is my feeling about this movie: it is your garbage. It is garbage for you. “Is this how straight dudes feel at the movies all the time????” I hissed at Dae during this movie several times. “Like someone carefully noted down your early pubescent fantasies and then threw 100 MILLION DOLLARS at them?”
I would describe this feeling as, like, a combination of arousal, joy, and fond knowing chagrin. “Oh you,” you find yourself thinking at Jupiter Ascending as shirtless Channing Tatum gruffly but torturedly checks his weaponry, while Sean Bean voiceover rumbles in his beautiful Northern growl about how tortured and loyal shirtless Channing Tatum is and how he needs his PACK. (PS: Sean Bean and Channing Tatum also wrestled torturedly 2 seconds ago while screaming at each other about their emotions.) ”You know what I like, you crazy bastard,” you say to Jupiter Ascending, shaking your head fondly. Mila Kunis wakes up in a beautiful dress, blinking slowly with her long gorgeous lashes. “Feel my skin,” naked Tuppence Middleton purrs at her [REDACTED 4 SPOILERS]’s clone, Mila Kunis, gently caressing her bare arm. Gugu Mbatha-Raw stands over Channing Tatum and sexily taunts him. There is a 20 minute Henson-evoking sequence about [REDACTED 4 SPOILERS BUT TRUST ME THAT IT’S AMAZING]. Eddie Redmayne flutters an elegant hand around while hoarsely gasping out sociopathic, vaguely incestuous promises in a fucking SEQUIN TITS OUT DRESSING GOWN with ARM WINGS in his EVIL SPACE CATHEDRAL THRONE ROOM!!!! “DO U LIKE DIS?” Jupiter Ascending asks, glancing shyly at you. “I MAKED IT.” “Of course I like it,” you say, overcome by joy and wonder, kissing Jupiter Ascending on the forehead. “I’ve never liked anything this much, and I love you more than anyone in the whole world.” I don’t want to be controversial, but Jupiter Ascending is worth 500 Citizen Kanes probably.
“You know, they could have cut like… three characters out of that movie and it wouldn’t have changed the plot any—”
“Yes,” I interrupted my girlfriend, “but—”
"But?”
“Did you want a shorter movie?”
She paused. She looked down at our shared plate of poutine. After a moment, she was finally able to shut off her critical brain, cast away shame, and allow herself to taste the bounty of delight and joy that this movie laid out before her – much like our stacked fries before us. It’s piled with all the things you’re told you’re supposed to avoid if you want to be smart, healthy, and adult, but you order it anyway. Why? Because it feels good. This movie, she realised, was poutine in cinematic form, and anything bad she had to say about it was easily overlooked in lieu of how good it made her feel. End of story.
"….No…”
THIS EXACTLY.
I have never had poutine and now I want to try it like a million times more than I already wanted to try a thing that combines potato and dairy.
Here’s the thing about JUPITER ASCENDING, literally the greatest movie ever made. Is it “good,” or is it, more probably, garbage? I really don’t have the capacity to say. I’m not Saint Roger Ebert, olav hasholem, over here. I took one film class and it was about whether real stuff is, like, real, or is there even such a thing as, like, really real, man, you know?? (There isn’t. I got an A.) I’m not here to tell you if it is good. I am only a woman with eyes and ears and joy centers in my brain. Here is what I will tell you. Look at my icon. As daeontherun so rightly pointed out, my icon was both of our faces for the ENTIRE DURATION of this movie.
Do you need to know any more than that? Do you need to know any more than that you will be flooded with pure, innocent delight for two hours? Here is my feeling about this movie: it is your garbage. It is garbage for you. “Is this how straight dudes feel at the movies all the time????” I hissed at Dae during this movie several times. “Like someone carefully noted down your early pubescent fantasies and then threw 100 MILLION DOLLARS at them?”
I would describe this feeling as, like, a combination of arousal, joy, and fond knowing chagrin. “Oh you,” you find yourself thinking at Jupiter Ascending as shirtless Channing Tatum gruffly but torturedly checks his weaponry, while Sean Bean voiceover rumbles in his beautiful Northern growl about how tortured and loyal shirtless Channing Tatum is and how he needs his PACK. (PS: Sean Bean and Channing Tatum also wrestled torturedly 2 seconds ago while screaming at each other about their emotions.) ”You know what I like, you crazy bastard,” you say to Jupiter Ascending, shaking your head fondly. Mila Kunis wakes up in a beautiful dress, blinking slowly with her long gorgeous lashes. “Feel my skin,” naked Tuppence Middleton purrs at her [REDACTED 4 SPOILERS]’s clone, Mila Kunis, gently caressing her bare arm. Gugu Mbatha-Raw stands over Channing Tatum and sexily taunts him. There is a 20 minute Henson-evoking sequence about [REDACTED 4 SPOILERS BUT TRUST ME THAT IT’S AMAZING]. Eddie Redmayne flutters an elegant hand around while hoarsely gasping out sociopathic, vaguely incestuous promises in a fucking SEQUIN TITS OUT DRESSING GOWN with ARM WINGS in his EVIL SPACE CATHEDRAL THRONE ROOM!!!! “DO U LIKE DIS?” Jupiter Ascending asks, glancing shyly at you. “I MAKED IT.” “Of course I like it,” you say, overcome by joy and wonder, kissing Jupiter Ascending on the forehead. “I’ve never liked anything this much, and I love you more than anyone in the whole world.” I don’t want to be controversial, but Jupiter Ascending is worth 500 Citizen Kanes probably.
I just want to live in giant elaborate space castles and use those sick hover heelies PLEASE
Friends, HAVE YOU EVER WANTED CHANNING TATUM TO EXPLAIN GRAVITY TO YOU (the natural phenomenon, not the film, although I’m sure the latter would be similarly mesmerising)??? WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE DOUGLAS BOOTH EXAMINE THE ETHICAL VAGARIES OF MARITAL LAW?! REDMAYNE EMBODY THE VERY ESSENCE OF CAPITALISM?? !!?? TUPPENCE MIDDLETON ELUCIDATE THE DOMAINS OF APPLIED HUMAN GENETICS, BIOLOGICAL DETERMINISM, AND TIME IN ONE FELL FLORAL SWOOP??? If so (and of course you do) I direct you to JUPITER ASCENDING.
