Kirk: Enterprise crew this is captain Kirk speaking. I have an announcement to make but first you have to promise not to get mad.
– Nichelle Nichols
I’ll be honest, whenever a work of speculative fiction (fanmade or otherwise) goes out of its way to describe an intelligent species with bizarre and complicated reproductive biology, the first question that invariably pops into my head is: “How do these critters masturbate?”
what if masturbation was uniquely a human experience though
Okay, I know that you meant “what if humans are the only intelligent species that’s anatomically capable of masturbating?”, but now I’m picturing a universe where humans are the only ones that ever thought to try it.
Human masturbation specialists traveling the galaxy to offer our gift, undertaking rigorous study and enormous personal risk to teach weird-ass aliens how to rub one out.
Calculating the exact harmonic frequencies to allow ancient, vacuum-dwelling crystalline intelligences to self-stimulate.
Descending into the crushing atmospheres of gas giants in specially constructed aerostats to design sex toys for the vast, jellyfish-like super-predators that prowl the hurricane slipstreams.
Wanking is our genius. Our legacy.
That last addition is possibly my favourite thing Tumblr has ever done for the world.
I’M FCUKIGN WEHEZENIG
So, it’s pretty much canon that Guinan and Riker happened at least once, right?
To this day, this is still the fucking smoothest back and forth I’ve ever whitnesed.
She took the full measure of this man when they first met, and found him wanting in many ways, but it’s been a long time since she met anyone who could keep up with her in this dance.
As for the other dance? She’ll never tell, and he wouldn’t dare.
I appreciate Wesley’s “oh god, Uncle Riker and Aunt Guinan are going to make the sex right here in front of me, aren’t they?” face in the middle there.
There’s no such thing as the unknown, only things temporarily hidden, temporarily not understood.
— Star Trek Beyond (2016) dir. Justin Lin
Star Trek Deep Space Nine: Trials and Tribble-ations
shows up to the ds9 fandom 25 years late with starbucks