An assignment I actually wrote on the board this week:

In groups, write 2 sentences (in Latin) using only the
vocabulary in your textbook. Make sure to include:

  • 1 irregular verb
  • 1 imperfect verb
  • 5 cases
  • BEES?

I’ll elaborate in a minute, but I need to stop laughing

So I’d originally planned on a 20-minute grammar lesson,
followed by a handout to be finished in pairs, but I’d made the mistake of telling
this class about Latin Day in April and how we were encouraging them to come to
school in costume. All they wanted to do was talk about costume opportunities
(and since I would like to keep my job, I had to explain why staging Caesar’s assassination
in the middle of the lunchroom would be a Bad Idea), so I shifted gears and decided
to channel that creative/social energy into a different assignment.

After lugging them through a condensed version of the
grammar lesson on irregular verbs in the imperfect tense, I split them into
groups and pulled an assignment out of the air.

The requirements:

  • Write two sentences in Latin
  • Use ONLY vocabulary from the textbook
  • Include at least ONE irregular verb
  • Include at least ONE verb in the imperfect tense
  • Include 5 (out of 6, including the vocative)

The goal:

  • To write them on the board for their ‘rival’
    groups to translate

They are a competitive bunch, so I knew this would be enough
to encourage them to go All Out. But then one student raised her hand.

“Can our sentences be about bees?” she asked.

Bees. I swear this class has a thing with Bees. I hesitated.
“There are no bees in your textbook.”

“Yes, but you taught us that word.”

I had, back when this same student had asked me how to say “the
bees are suffering” for a kahoot she was writing. Granted, this same student is
planning on coming in on Latin Day dressed as Caligula’s horse, so none of this
surprises me.

I opened it up to the other ‘groups’. “What do you think?” I
asked. “Should we let them write about bees?”

“No,” said one student with a heavy sort of solemnity, looking
me dead in the eye. “We should all be required
to write about bees.”

As the rest of the class eagerly cheered and nodded in
agreement, three things occurred to me.

  1. The word for bee, “apis”, is a 3rd-declension
    i-stem noun, which they could use more practice on.
  2. They’re going to want to describe the bees,
    which means they will likely also be practicing noun-adjective agreement with a
    3rd-declension i-stem noun, which they could also use more practice
  3. This could be flipping hilarious.

And so I added “BEES?” to the list.

The results:

1. apes ingentes Hannibalis ad Romam ibant. Moenia vincunt et Romanis miserum dant.

“The giant bees of Hannibal
were going to Rome. They conquer the walls and give misery to the Romans.” In hindsight the noun miseriam would have been better, but still solid. Mentions bees AND misery. Implies an AU where Hannibal brought giant bees
across the Alps instead of elephants. Carthage wins the Punic Wars. 10/10

2. Argus ignem sui amoris dare volebat ieiunis, ieiunis apibus. “Arge!” apes dicunt. “Nolumus accipere ignem tui amoris.” Argus desperat et se in mare conicit.

“Argus was wishing to give
the fire of his love to the hungry, hungry bees. ‘Argus!’ the bees say. ‘We do
not want to accept the fire of your love.’ Argus despairs and hurls himself
into the sea.” Descriptive. Tragic. Mentions fire. Has something for
everyone. Also 10/10

 3. regis magna apis volabat, et volebat occidere regi. “Beeyonce,” inquit, “uxor es. Ama me.”

“The great bee of the king
was flying, and he was wishing to kill for the king. ‘Beeyonce,’ he said. ‘You
are my wife. Love me.’ ” 100/10 for Beeyonce.

Guys, I’m getting paid to do this.


I’ve been listening to too many podcasts, I guess, because this happened:

“Hi there, and welcome to Dos Grandes Avocados, the podcast where we tell you how to sue someone and win, as long as you promise us a cut of that filthy, filthy lucre.”

[laughter] “Foggy, that is not what we do.”

“Good point, Matt. I’d like to remind our listeners that we are only law students and thus cannot officially advise in a legal capacity. However, we can accept unrelated cash gifts. Also, neither you nor Matt can tell this, but I’m winking outrageously right now.”

“It was indicated, yeah.”

“As new listeners have probably figured out by now, I’m Foggy and he’s Matt. Otherwise known to our fellow law students, among whom we are very popular, as Legal Eagle and Legal Beagle!”

“Are we? That’s new.”

“You know, I didn’t figure out before I started this bit which of us was Eagle and which of us was Beagle. I guess I’m Beagle because of my lovable, loyal nature.”

“And I’m Eagle because of my exceptional eyesight?”

“Okay, fine, you’re Beagle because you have a nose like a bloodhound, and I’m Eagle because I love snatching wild salmon directly out of rivers with my talons.”

“You do love that.”

“Seriously, folks, the nose on this guy. Don’t ever borrow his shampoo without asking, he will be able to tell. Not that you’ll have the opportunity, because he’s my roommate and I’m never ever giving him up.”


“That’s a heck of a smile I’m seeing there, listeners.”

[cough] “Shouldn’t we, you know, get on with the podcast?”

“Right! This is an exciting episode because we have a special guest! The brilliant and beautiful nursing student Claire Temple is here to talk about how to perform an emergency appendectomy using nothing but nail scissors…”

“That is not going to happen.”

“…and then we’ll talk about how not to go to jail forever if you try it!”

“That is not going to happen either.”

“And now here’s Claire!”

Things that sound fake but actually happen in the first Tarzan novel (1912)









  • Tarzan grows up in the jungle because the sailors on his parents’ ship mutiny and maroon them there. Two decades later, the sailors on his cousin’s ship ALSO mutiny and maroon him and Jane in the exact same area where Tarzan happens to live
  • He’s raised by apes after his parents die because one of them who’s been carrying around her own dead baby is moved by the maternal spirit to drop its corpse in Tarzan’s crib and pick up the human baby instead
  • Tarzan teaches himself how to read and write fluent English by reading his parents’ old books
  • He later leaves Jane and co. really passive-aggressive notes telling them that he’s Tarzan and they better not touch his stuff
  • Tarzan also rescues them from various jungle troubles in person, but he can’t communicate with them because he can’t speak/understand spoken English
  • Jane and her friends spend their entire time in the jungle thinking that there are TWO DIFFERENT people who keep saving them: their reclusive host who leaves them salty messages and signs his name Tarzan of the Apes and then that other guy who lives with the apes
  • Literally they never put two and two together until Tarzan tracks them down in America and tells them he was Tarzan all along
  • Which he does in French
  • Because back in the jungle he rescued a French guy who taught him how to speak that language
  • So Tarzan can read and write English but speaks only French by the time he leaves the jungle
  • Jane goes back to America while Tarzan is off helping his French friend, and he follows her all the way home just to arrive the day before she’s gonna marry a rich guy to cover her father’s debts. It’s literally one of those Taylor Swift STOP THE WEDDING tropes, but with this weirdly buff ape man yelling in French instead
  • Jane’s father has debts because he borrowed a ton of money to charter a ship and follow a pirate treasure map he found, which, logical. We’ve all been there
  • The sailors on that ship are the ones who mutiny and maroon Jane earlier on, after finding the treasure and deciding they want to keep it for themselves
  • But Tarzan sees them rebury the chest and he digs it up and takes it with him to America to find Jane. The sailors are later very confused when they go back and find the treasure missing
  • Meanwhile Tarzan’s friend keeps trying to convince him that he’s the son of those two adult skeletons in his cabin, but Tarzan is all like, nah, I’m pretty sure that baby ape skeleton in the crib was theirs.
  • Oh also yeah, Tarzan totally just left all three skeletons lying around until his human friends showed up and were like, boy, you’re nasty
  • Also Tarzan needs a lot of convincing to believe that his ape foster mom wasn’t his birth mother
  • Like an absurd amount of convincing, really
  • His friend finally proves it by dragging Tarzan to a fingerprint expert in Europe to compare his prints to the baby ones that his dad fortuitously recorded in his journal just before he died.
  • The fingerprint proof means he’s actually the heir to his family’s title and wealth instead of his cousin, but he decides not to tell Jane about it
  • Because after Tarzan interrupts her wedding plans and gives her the pirate treasure (so that she doesn’t have to marry the rich guy), she turns down Tarzan’s own proposal and agrees to marry his cousin instead
  • And he’s like, alright, and leaves
  • Truly one of the great love stories of our time
  • I think she does change her mind and marry him in one of the sequels, but there are literally over two dozen of those that by all accounts are even weirder than this one and I just honestly don’t think I’m ready

Was Edgar Rice Burroughs ok?


This is accurate and that book was amazing 10/10 recommend every time Burroughs was a real weirdo and it was so much better than the movie please read his nonsense

I read this book and I can attest to the accuracy of the above statements.

But I feel the need to add that Edgar Rice Burroughs was a salty mofo! 
He threw such shade, what a dude.

Ok so here’s the story; he was working as a pencil sharpener wholesalemen for seven years (I know, startlingly mundane) when his wife had their second kid in 1909, he was bored beyond occupation and had copious spare time and began reading pulp-fiction magazines. In 1929, he recalled thinking that

“…if people were paid for writing rot such as I read in some of those magazines, that I could write stories just as rotten. As a matter of fact, although I had never written a story, I knew absolutely that I could write stories just as entertaining and probably a whole lot more so than any I chanced to read in those magazines.”

So what I’m telling you here is, this guy read something went this is TRASH, i could write better trash, in fact I WILL.

An inspiration to us all.

We’ve all been there. Let’s all follow our apey oc dreams.

my roommate and i were having the same conversation, but about bigfoot porn and how we could do it better. so maybe we’re gonna write the next tarzan