Normal Horoscope:


Aries: There is travel in your future, be ready for when the entire world recedes inwards upon itself in a timeless unending loop.

Taurus: Clawing your way back out has dulled your talons and blunted your fangs, you are a soft and gentle creature for it. You can buy a knife at most stores.

Gemini: The beaches are held in place by the roots of grasses. Crumbling things are supported by what will eventually overtake them. 

Cancer: Corn chips are half off at the supermarket, buy as much as you can and sell them out back for a profit. Use the money to buy more corn chips.

Leo: You don’t really care if its “public property” the fountain water is crisp and cool and the sky is beautiful here. Plus, hes just a mall cop he cant actually arrest you probably.

Virgo: Follow in the footsteps of sir Issac newton and represent the human nervous system with long braids of gold wire. Realize that this was silly, and admire your cool gold spines.

Libra: Sloped ¼ inch steel armor can deflect most standard issue police rounds. Full plate is making a comeback baby.

Scorpio: Monopoly was never meant to be a fun game.

Ophiuchus: Empathy is important. You need to know which people to scalp.

Sagittarius: The world smells like fresh tortillas and as your spear cracks the heavens know we are no longer afraid to die.

Capricorn: Dead skin cells flake off from you all the time. Your bed is haunted with a legion of tiny microscopic ghosts.

Aquarius: Life is really just a series of shooting yourself in the foot and succeeding anyway with improvised bullshit.

Pisces: Every night, does the moon drown? Does the sea suffocate? Of course not they are happily married and they support each other.

The Signs and Love V:


Aries: You love like a coffee table book, lavishly displaying beautiful things in a way that can be used to bludgeon a man to death.

Taurus: You love like a fishmonger, dependable, straightforward, and full of delicious high-quality fish.

Gemini: You love like a carboard box, normal on the outside, but full of surprises on the inside! Highly flammable!

Cancer: You love like a five star review. Made with love. One more badge on the breast of someone who absolutely deserves it.

Leo: You love like market research. Rarely appreciated, but necessary. To those that do appreciate you, you are a labor of love.

Virgo: You love like the golden ratio. Always present, especially in nautilus shells. You love like nautilus shells.

Libra: You love like winter. Consistently, regularly, leaving the world a different place as you pass through.

Scorpio: You love like a cat with no eyes. Almost correct. Hungry for lifeblood. Large teeth.

Ophiuchus: You love like a jpeg. Calmly. Quietly. Able to be layered over existing loves, as your background is transparent.

Sagittarius: You love like an illegally converted loft. A place of highly illegal warmth and safety.

Capricorn: You love like a lightning strike. The cause of several strange allergies, often leading to more of yourself.

Aquarius: You love like a bear hunting knife. You are sharp. You kill bears. What more is there to tell?

Pisces: You love like the theater. Mystical, strange, endlessly study-able but impossible to perfect.