Dear Mr Schmidt




I really think you need to brush up on your mythology here. Do you even know what a hydra looks like?

This is a hydra. Its defining features are its one tail and many, many heads.

So what the fuck is this supposed to be?

That, Mr Schmidt, is a fucking octopus. Its defining features are its ONE head and many LEGS.

You literally could not have gotten this more wrong.

It’s very important to me that somewhere in hydra’s evil marketing department is a harried evil graphic designer who has been trying so hard to bring this up, okay, like, listen, the first — the first presentation she had an actual hydra, it was pretty cool, it was like an evil skull hydra, it had seven evil skulls, but they were like “that’s too many heads, it makes it seem like no one is in charge,” and she said, oh, but that’s what a hydra is, it has — and they said more loudly, “could you give it more tentacles, like it’s very insidious,” and she said, that’s — yes, but that’ll be — i mean, that’s definitely, um, but what you’re asking for is not a, um, a hydra — trying to catch the project manager’s eye like BACK ME UP, I KNOW YOU TOOK CLASSICS, but the project manager was pretending to look at something on his phone, and all the execs were staring at her like is she ARGUING with us?, and like, they’re supervillains, so she said, okay, i….i’ll, sorry, i — i’ll give you something with tentacles.

Evil design department

Evil PR

Evil project managers arranging evil kick-off meetings

God all I want to do is write stories about harried Hydra employees trying to satisfy the increasingly bizarre demands of their evil employers

Like some guy in the assasinations department is like yes no ok we COULD unfreeze Captain America’s best friend and have him attempt to dramatically punch Cap to death OR I could just walk up behind Rogers at the next SHIELD all-hands-on-deck meeting and quietly shoot him in the head

and the brass is like NO DON’T BE ABSURD



“You can snuggle down into novels, draw them over your head like a warm duvet and go away for a while. It’s like taking a road trip in another country – while the land’s got you in it’s clutches, you can’t go home again. Short stories are different. They’re evenings out, or day trips, an hour spent gazing out to sea.”
Michael Marshall Smith – What You Make It (Introduction)