Ok hold up for one second, let me take a short break from sowing the
ground with salt to ask: did anyone else notice how when Tony says
something like “Pepper and I are …” Steve “conceal-don’t-feel” Rogers perks right the fuck up and goes “PREGNANT??!!?!”
I say this in utter seriousness*: in the .5 seconds between “Pepper and I” and “are on a break,”
the only thoughts in Captain America’s head are “BABY! BABY! OH
BOY! UNCLE STEVE! OH BOY!” Like good lord this man is so sad and
lonely that he lights up like a goddamn lava lamp at the mere prospect
of being in proximity to family life. He parents the fuck out of
Scarlet Witch, he attempts to parent Spider-Lad while the kid is attacking him, he would probably parent
Iron Man if Tony would just hold still long enough. There is literally no
one on earth more prepared than Steve Rogers to bring someone out for
ice cream after they don’t make the football team and tell them that
he’ll always be proud of them no matter what. Captain America has got this, his body
is ready, he will be unconditionally loving and supportive to the entire
state of Minnesota, he will diaper Yellowstone National Park, he is
fully prepared to help Guam with its math homework.
If the answer to Steve’s question had been, “Yes, pregnant!” Civil War
would not have happened, because Steve would have brokered a peace in under 20 minutes, and the rest of the movie would have been
nothing but Captain America shopping for
onesies while Falcon and the Winter Soldier give each other nuclear
wedgies and Iron Man finally gets himself some therapy. Unfortunately, as there is no baby, Tony remains a man-sized pile of emotional rubble,
Bucky ends up armless and frozen instead of enjoying hours of playing punch
buggy with Sam while Cap threatens to TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT
NOW, and Steve has no adorable little StarkNugget to bounce on his knee and teach
to play stickball and give all of the love in his giant patriotic heart.
In conclusion: everything is terrible, and T’Challa needs to buy Steve
an incredibly expensive Wakandan puppy or something before he starts
attempting to nurture that giant panther statue in the front yard.
*I am not actually utterly serious.